Bloom Parenting

Today I'm excited to share what I've been reading

and how it has helped me take root and bloom!

I lucked into this colorful parenting treasure by Lynne Kenney and Wendy Young as a Twitter-chat trade and am I ever grateful that I did. The whole time I was reading it, I kept thinking that I wish I'd have had this as a resource when we were parenting our children through their formative years!

As its readers travel through the chapters, Bloom encourages us to teach, educate and inspire rather than to punish and put consequences on our children. It points us to the thoughts and feelings behind errant behaviors and asks us to look at the child through a new lens, a calmer, gentler parenting lens, to see the whole child and take a new look at what is going on in his/her brain that might be causing the undesirable behaviors that we want to help them grow through and change.

At the end of every chapter, there are pages of things that you can say, think and do, to help you through life's parenting challenges like separation anxiety, hitting, biting, morning mayhem, grief and loss. This three-pronged approach printed on these colorful pages can be cut out and kept close for reference during those emotionally-loaded times when words of wisdom escape us.

I experienced so many a-ha moments as I turned the pages through this epic newcomer, but my strongest connection has to be this nugget from the chapter on trauma: "This child is not the problem. The problem is the problem."

And now, as Paul Harvey used to say, the rest of the story: This week I've been experiencing some tough trauma responses to a somewhat random trigger from this past weekend. And it has been horrible. I've felt that hyper-arousal and hyper-vigilance that I first experienced four years ago following the trauma of that head-on collision all over again. I've been lost, crawling out of my skin, feeling like I'm not safe, feeling like I don't belong, needing to get away but having no clue where I'm trying to go. It's really throwing me way off and sucking the joy right out of me. And I'm an adult with life experiences that tell me that I am safe and that I will be okay, with skills to help others through those very same feelings. I can do a pretty good job of hiding it and making it through. But what if I were a traumatized child in a classroom going through similar stuff and acting out? 

This is where Bloom comes in. 

I love this reminder about trauma from the authors:

Conventional discipline appeals to the cognitive part of the brain. This is not where trauma lives. Traditional discipline will do nothing to change behavior that is driven by trauma. (p. 192)  

It's hard to not think I'm the problem,

especially when I'm feeling how I feel.

I take comfort in and draw hope from knowing that it's

what happened to me that's the problem.

And that this, too, shall pass

as I use my therapeutic resources

to journey through this trauma response

and get to the other side. Over and over again,

if that's what it takes.

Another poignant reminder in this ground-breaking gem is that

we don't have to be therapists to help students do the same,

to navigate through their behavior challenges,

to recover,

to find calm, 

to heal, 

and to thrive.

And though this guide for care providers

is targeted at anxious, angry, and over-the-top kids,

I enthusiastically recommend it as a rich resource to help 

any and all kids Bloom. 

Period. 

Exclamation point.

Any questions?

Check out this book; 

you (and your kids) will be glad you did.

Thank you, Wendy and Lynne, for helping us

shape, nurture and grow such beautiful flowers

in the amazing garden we call life.

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PPBF: Grandfather Gandhi

Today's PPBF is the perfect ending to World Kindness Week.

Title: Grandfather Gandhi

Authors: Arun Gandhi and Bethany Hegedus

Illustrator: Evan Turk

Publisher: Antheneum Books for Young Readers

Date: March 11, 2014

Suitable for: all ages

Non-fiction

Themes: peace, anger management, justice

Brief synopsis: Gandhi's grandson tells about a confusing time when anger sparked and threatened to take him on a detour from the Gandhi way. He must learn how to walk in of footprints of his Grandfather's path of peace while keeping his feelings of anger and frustration from ruining the route.

Opening page:

Resources: Visit the book's website {here}.

See it on a list by Elizabeth Bird, School Library Journal {here}.

Read a review at the Horn Book {here}.

Find the Gandhi Spinning Wheel Activity {here}.

Watch the book's trailer:

Why I like this book: I couldn't believe it when I saw this book on my librarian's stack of new books this week. Gandhi has a grandson? The Gandhi? I knew before I even cracked it opened that I had unearthed a treasure that I would love. And, sure enough, I loved it, so much that I asked to take it with me to my office so I could read it again. And again. When his grandson explodes and runs to his Grandfather for help, the elder Gandhi validates his feelings and then asks the twelve-year-old: Do you want to be lightning ...  or a light?

Such a powerful inquiry, something we can ask ourselves
with every move we make, to keep our actions and reactions 
in check. Then, today, I see this chart on a door at my school visit
to Ross Elementary:

What a great guiding question.

And it parallels today's pick because it's basically what

our book's author struggled with as a child in the

 lineage of someone supreme like Mahatma Gandhi.

How does a child live up to a name,

walk around in the skin they're in,

especially when the emotions that choose him

aren't necessarily comfortable or easy?

And what if our every word, feeling or action

were tattooed on our skin so others could see?

Ask students this question.

Find out what their family values are
and what it means to be a member of their family,
like being a Gandhi.
Is it easy or difficult? Why?

In the book, Gandhi suggests that the young boy
spin yarn as an anger management technique.
Sometimes I have students with uncomfortable feelings
wrap yarn with me, from the skein to a ball, and it works like magic. What strategies "to use anger" work for you and your learners? What does Gandhi mean that "anger can illuminate,
... turn darkness into light?"

For an explanation about what happens to the brain
when we we get mad, click {here}.

Wanna seal the deal with a song?
Try these lyrics using the tune from The Addams Family:

Check out this book; I predict you'll instantly fall in love, too.
Then check out our other picks at Susanna's blog today.

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Something Special In The Mail

Today I'm sending birthday wishes to my older brother Tim. Though every time he turns older, that means in six months I will, too, I'm still celebrating with him from afar on his special day. And I'm going to guess that he wishes he were in Dallas at the Packer game with Joshua today ... go Pack go ... and Happy Birthday, Tim!

I'm also thinking about the phrase 

not good, not bad, just different 

that I learned back in the early 90s at a training that I attended. It's probably because of this special surprise by a mother-son duo that I got in the mail this week. Knowing that we have the same taste in books, Pat from 

Children's Books Heal sent me this treasure for my shelves. 

Thank you, Pat!

Brilliantly illustrated by cartoonist Jules Feiffer, Jacob's Eye Patch by Beth Kobliner Shaw and Jacob Shaw tells the story about a young boy who really is okay wearing an eye patch and usually doesn't mind sharing his story. Until he's in a hurry, that is. When he's got his eye on a special something and everyone slows him down by stopping to inquire about the patch, Jacob gets mad and throws his patch down in frustration. How will he resolve being okay with his differences and the potential conflicts that can arise from people's curiosity about it?

Wearing an eye patch is neither good, nor bad, it's just different.

The benefits from it, of course, can be very good.

But sometimes the cost is higher than we want to pay.

Jacob's finding that out as he goes through his patching years.

Our son Jacob had a similar eye issue, though we were able to correct it with early intervention and eye exercises which he totally disliked doing. But the benefit of not having to wear the patch outweighed the cost of time and energy to strengthen the weak eye through exercises. 

Use this story as a springboard for a cost-benefit analysis discussion. Every time we make a decision, we have to consider the cost against the benefit. What might happen if our Jacob had decided not to do those exercises? What might happen if the Jacob in the story had decided not to put the eye patch back on after he threw it down? What if he decided not to wear it at all?

In the end, Jacob meets a friend with braces. Our most recent struggle is the rubber bands that are indicated to go with the braces. Joshua wore them faithfully at first, but as time has gone on, he's gotten more and more lax about that discipline. What might the consequence of his choice to not wear them be? 
Ask students for other examples; they'll have them!

Then ask them what it means to them when they hear

not good, not bad, just different.

Discuss the benefits of using it as a touchstone

for accepting and celebrating differences.

Oh, and check out these other Jules Feiffer books in my collection:

Some Things Are Scary and The House Across The Street.

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Belly Breathe The Anger Away

Today I'm linking up with Denise over at Sunny Days for Show and Tell Tuesday because she's having a book share! Pick a topic, any topic; here are some of my go-to books about 

being angry.

 That Makes Me Mad! by Steven Kroll is a classic because this little tyke seems to get mad about anything and everything. The illustrations help make the book work ... just look at how mad she is! Stop on each page and check to see if your students are connecting with the everyday things that make Nina so mad.

Sometimes I'm Bombaloo by Rachel Vail helps the younger learners with awareness because when this little girl's temper flares, Katie actually becomes someone she doesn't recognize ... or like all that much. Students will likely relate to some of the situations that set this little 'bomb' off.

This ferocious kid is just adorable ... and I'm not lion! The trigger for Danny in Dorothea Lachner's, Danny, the Angry Lion is not getting what he wants for breakfast. Imagine that! Use it to talk about what sets anger in motion for each of us - the trigger - and then how to reign it back in once its claws come out. I know I've worn that lion suit a time or two, too.

Grumpy Gloria by Anna Dewdney is mad because her owner gets a doll for her birthday. Is there anything that'll help her not be so ornery? Your littlest learners will connect with this pouty pug and giggle at her rhyming little tale!

In Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns It's OK to Back Away by Howard Binkow, Howard is having one of those moments {days!}when nothing is going his way, but through the experience he learns that he's got options about how he reacts.

This Linda Urban treasure - Mouse Was Mad - is probably my favorite go-to-anger-management book on my shelf. Since the reader never really knows why mouse was mad, it adapts so easily to anyone's situation. Start with the question - What would make a little mouse SO mad? - and then see what happens when each friend tries to get the Mouse to apply his or her favorite strategy to help those overwhelming angries disappear. 

There you have it, a list of six of the titles on my shelf to help students make sense of and manage their anger.

And for fun, a bonus clip helping your little monsters 
Belly Breathe:

For more help with anger management, visit the Angries Out page.
What are your go-to strategies to send 
anger away? 

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When I Get Mad

School counselors have the unique opportunity to help teach students how to process their feelings and how to manage them. One of my favorite tools to target mad feelings is the book Mouse was Mad by Linda Urban. Here's a slightly-edited version of a guest blog post I wrote for Books That Heal Kids.

From the moment you open this book, you get that the adorable little Mouse is clearly very angry, but you never really know why. I love that about this tale, because the author leaves it opened to possibilities. Start this read-aloud out by showing the cute illustrations of the Mad little Mouse on the inside of the front cover and pose the question, "What do you think Mouse is SO mad about?" I think you'll be surprised at how your little listeners respond while you gain insight into what kinds of things make them mad. Be ready for some crazy responses; I was shocked when one of my kiddos said, "Someone has probably called him an idiot again." Ouch! 

But what's the best way to be mad? Bear stomps. Hare hops. Bobcat screams. And Hedgehog rolls himself into a sphere (yay for math integration!). But Mouse? When he attempts to take his friends' lead, he just can't get it right, or so they say. His rage grows as he tries to rid himself of his anger. When he finds the way that works best for him - getting perfectly still - he discovers he might be pretty good at managing anger after all.

Mouse's story is so incredibly cute and full of the entertaining playfulness that kids (and adults like me!) enjoy. Your students are likely to catch on quickly to the repetition as the enraged rodent attempts to mimic the bear by stomping or be like the bobcat and get it out with a good scream. Students may even get a good laugh when he lands, over and over again, in a "mucky mud puddle." But that's not my favorite part. What grabbed me about this gem is the built in anger-management skills our little learners can use long after the read-aloud is over. 

Mad lasts until it's done, right? I used this book in small group as a springboard for a "What-works-for-you?" discussion about how to get over being mad. How each friend advises Mouse that he manage his anger makes for a wonderful discussion about what strategy might work best for each student. In the end, Mouse gets still, breathes deeply, then craves a bubble bath, so we talk about the calming effects of deep breathing and warm water. 

Activity:
I give each student a small bottle of dollar-store bubbles that we blow as we practice taking deep breaths. The deeper and more controlled the breath, the bigger the bubble, a simply way to perfect an effective anger-management strategy. You could also get some bubble wrap and encourage students to pop each bubble individually to help their "angries" disappear. Click here for some additional ideas and visit the ANGRIES Out website for more tools.

Finally, talk with your students about other anger-management strategies they've tried. What works, how does it help, and why? Expect answers like exercise, talking it out, writing it down, punching a pillow, taking a time-out, screaming. Validate these healthy choices for when anger chooses them. Teach them how to take square breaths – breathe in deeply through your nose as you draw the first leg of a square with your pointer finger, hold it as you draw the line across the square, exhale through your mouth completely as you draw the 2^nd leg, then hold it as you complete the square. Do three of these in a row with your students and ask them to describe how their brains feel.

The kids LOVE it when I wear my crabby hat!

Put on your crabby hat if you have one and follow up with this little ditty using the music from The Adamms' Family:

When I get mad (snap, snap), 

When I get mad (snap, snap) -

Here's what I do, to get me through, 

when I get mad (snap, snap).

I practice my square breathing, 

I slowly count from one to ten.

I talk it out or exercise, 

'til I am glad again!

As a writing extension, encourage students to insert other ideas into the two "strategy" lines and write another verse.

NOTE:  Wanna see what happens to the brain when you get mad? Click here for a HANDY explanation!

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